The impact of growing up without your parents

Were you adopted as a child, raised as a foster child in another family or was one of your parents out of the picture during your childhood? The unifying factor in both situations is that you were not raised by your biological parents. And that has consequences for your life as an adult. Themes such as experiencing a latent feeling of rejection and not being good enough can have a significant impact on your life.

This is how growing up without your parents affects your life

Every person has to find an answer to his or her fate with all the circumstances and events that go with it. Where you were born can have a major impact on your life course. For many people it is natural to grow up with their own biological parents. They know their family background and how many siblings there are. This is not obviousfor everyone. Sometimes fate includes having your parents unable to take care of you and relinquishing you after birth. This article is about adopted children and their families. However, the dynamics that I describe on the basis of the laws of a family system apply just as well to foster children.

What kind of trauma can growing up without parents cause a child?

Adopted children are faced with circumstances that are perceived as potentially traumatic. Depending on the child and the circumstances, a child who is adopted may be hurt. There is a risk that the adopted child internally discard the biological parents. But everyone is 50% their biological father and 50% their biological mother. If you reject them, you reject yourself and you will always feel "empty" despite all the love and successes that come to you.

So it is important that children who have been adopted connect internally with their biological parents. Biological parents are a package deal; all the beautiful, the less beautiful and everything they cannot give you that you long for. For adopted children, this often means that the biological parents were only able to give birth and after that they were no longer available. Realize that you carry their genes, health, certain gestures, etc. all within you. Who knows, you may also be very street-wise, you can persevere and you are a survivor. That comes from somewhere. When accepting the package deal, it is about your inner attitude, not about what was or was not there. Those are circumstances. Obviously, that requires a few things from you, but it can just as easily lead to a wonderful life without trauma or negative patterns.

How do adoptive and biological parents relate to each other?

Loyalty conflicts arise in the adopted child if adoptive parents are indiscreet. The biological parents are the parents in place 1 and the adoptive parents in place 2. It is extremely liberating for an adopted child if the adoptive parents can both pronounce and follow: "You can love your biological parents as much as you love us. To us you are always free to go to them "(if applicable in the practical sense, but at least inwardly). The biological parents could express their gratitude to the adoptive parents, because the adoptive parents did not have to take on this task. During a "family constellation," these sentences give a lot of space and dignity to everyone involved.

How does the model of "The Fountain" work in adoption?

Every child is part of his or her biological family system. Adoptive parents are part of your destiny and not part of your family system. It's undisputable that adoptive parents can fulfill useful and wonderful roles. Imagine your family system as a fountain with several tiers of water flowing into each other. At the top are your biological ancestors, below your four grandparents and in the tier below are your biological parents. It doesn't matter whether you have known them or not. Below your biological parents is the child's tier where your place is in order of birth with your brothers and sisters, half-brothers / sisters, the miscarriages and any aborted or concealed children (blood connection). Your children etc. are in the box below you.

This way everyone has their own unique place. One place is not better or worth more. You have to stand in your place in that invisible fountain to catch the flow that is so healing and healthy for you. You can be sure that life will go well for those who are in their own unique place in the fountain. You can just as easily conclude that if someone experiences bad luck, hassle and setbacks in their life again and again, that person is probably not in their own place in the fountain.

There are invisible laws in a family system. For example, what you reject from your parents you unconsciously install in yourself out of unconscious loyalty. The louder you shout "I don't want to become like her", the more likely you will become that way. Another law is that nothing or no one inwardly may be shut out in a fountain. Then there is a good chance that so-called unconscious identifications with a member of the family system will arise. Without knowing it, you turn out to be living the life of someone else.

A child is therefore loyal to the biological system, eventhough sometimes you haven't consciously been with your biological parents. Connecting your inner self with your biological parents frees you to live life fully, because then you let the invisible laws in a family system work for you instead of against you. See also my book "The fountain, find your place".

In what way can you still suffer from this as an adult?

An adopted child is unconsciously loyal to the biological system. For a child it is quite a task to let themselves go well, while things are not going well with dear ones. There is a good chance that things are not going / went so well with the biological parents. After all, you have not been put up for adoption for nothing. To be successful in life, you have to be able to get over your guilt. Sometimes it is easier to keep yourself small than to embrace your full power. Then the difference between you and your parents is not that big.

Another loyalty conflict arises when the adopted child is loyal to the adoptive parents who may feel like a better parent than the biological parents. Whether the adopted child feels that they have received a lot and must give something back. The child has consciously or unconsciously stored that it has been relinquished and went to live with the adoptive parents. Is the child allowed to love the biological parents, or does that have consequences? This creates insecurity.

The theme of 'rejection' will play a central role in the lives of children who grew up without parents. How can you get rid of this?

Every child has been in the womb of the biological mother (except for surrogate mothers). You've been hearing your mother's heartbeat and voice for nine months. That is recognizable and reassuring. After your birth you were separated from your biological parent(s). The security you thought you had was no longer there. Suddenly other people were taking care of you. That could potentially be traumatic. Under the guidance of a survival mechanism, the child may decide that the parents cannot be trusted and the child will stop reaching out. A healthy young child literally and figuratively reaches out by stretching their arms and inviting them to be picked up and hugged. A child who has lost confidence no longer reaches out. That behavior often repeats itself in later life.

Because the adult child no longer dares to reach out, it will experience rejection more often. That can cause detachment. The child has learned "I'll do it alone." And on the other hand, it is terrifying to receive love, because it can suddenly be taken from you as history has taught you. Then the doubt often arises "am I good enough? If I had been nicer, nicer, nicer, smarter, etc. I might not have given up. "That makes me insecure. Of course these are irrational fears. This can be healed through good professional help or also through constellation work.

Are there examples of difficult situations that adopted children may face?

In my practice, I spoke to an adopted woman who whenever she could "harvest" prosperity she would let happiness slip through her fingers. It turned out that she had been put up for adoption because her parents and two sisters had died in a natural disaster on the other side of the world. She had survived and ended up in a loving adoptive family. She is intelligent but her career did not go well. What happened? She had been unconsciously identified with the victims of the natural disaster who had not survived. If you are unconsciously identified you live according to the dynamic "it will not go any better for me that it did for you".

Whenever this woman had a chance for success, she sabotaged herself. As a result, the "harvest" could not be brought in and it allowed her to remain loyal to the victims of the natural disaster. During a constellation, this great love between the victims of the disaster and her can be made visible. This pattern can be broken and she realized that she honored the victims of the disaster the most if she made something of her life, otherwise there would have been another victim.

Is it possible - even if your biological parents don't acknowledge you - to place them above you in the fountain anyway?

It doesn't matter whether your biological parents can see you (either literally or figuratively). It's about you seeing them and being able to accept the package deal. Realize that your biological parents also have parents and they too, etc .: your whole range of ancestors. Often the parents of the biological parents have not been well placed in the fountain, causing shortages that often go back generations. Then the only option the biological parents see is to give up the child. Sometimes from their own survival mechanism, but it is also possible that they think that their child will have a better future. You do not know. Be mild in your judgment. Leave with them what is theirs and see what is yours.