Harmony in your family system and environment
Harmony is a natural state of balance that people always want to strive for. Living in harmony, with yourself and your environment, works best when you stand firmly in your place in your family system.
Harmony
Harmony is a natural state of balance that people always want to strive for. Yet it is one that has many interesting layers. Living in harmony, with yourself and your environment, works best when you stand firmly in your place in your family system. But sometimes a period of disharmony is necessary to create that harmony. In this article I will give you guidelines on how to deal with feelings of discomfort, anger and dissatisfaction (disharmony). And I'll show you that arguing and dealing with the "dear good girl/boy syndrome" may be the key to true harmony.
Why is chaos sometimes necessary to create harmony in your life?
“What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the rest of the world calls a butterfly,” says Lao Tzu. While this may seem like a tumultuous event, this change is in keeping with the flow of life. Harmony for me therefore means moving with life and everything it has in store. I do my best to relax into the greater process. I say 'yes' to that which is unfolding and surrender to it, even if it is not always harmonious and I am temporarily out of balance. That's not to say I like it or never experience resistance to certain situations or people.
It is not the situation itself, but my thoughts about that event, that cause the resistance. Because of the (negative) interpretation of the situation, you experience unpleasant and unpleasant emotions, which give a feeling of disharmony. Disharmony brings discomfort, but is occasionally very instructive. In harmony, on the other hand, I experience inner peace and liveliness at the same time. Everyone has their own definition of what harmony is and what causes disharmony. This has to do with your frame of reference and therefore your judgment about a situation. Your core values are also important. How you have been conditioned by arguing in the past and what you have learned from your parents about arguing. So harmony is subject to subjective aspects.
When do you live in harmony with yourself?
Every day has beautiful and less beautiful moments, because I do or fail to do something or that something happens in my environment, which disrupts my sense of harmony. So I can feel deeply satisfied to be touched by something afterwards. Life has ups and downs. That's part of life and I don't fight against it anymore. Getting older has its advantages… In the book 'Mong, loner in everyday life' by Hendrick Vannek it says: 'I myself did not make a mistake, I remained myself and with myself in everything that this day brought and I did what suited me. I achieve this harmonious state of being if I remain true to my values'.
An adult person has 7 core values. Your values are fulfilled in interaction with your environment. If your values are met by the environment (and you yourself are also part of your environment), you will experience harmony, inner peace and liveliness. If your values are not met or you exceed your own core values yourself, you will feel unamused, uncomfortable and dissatisfied, with your energy flowing out of your body. Even though there is disorder around me or I am faced with adversity, as long as I act according to my values and seek out those environments and situations that fit my values, I experience peace and contentment. Otherwise, I surrender to the situation beyond my control and regulate my primary emotions.
What does it say about you if 'harmony' is a core value of yours?
A core value often arises because you have highly valued a value in the past or because you have missed that value very much. The value freedom is extremely important to me personally, because my mother used to be overprotective about me, which gave me little space. If harmony is your core value, setting boundaries is often difficult, let alone arguing. You then run the risk of being excluded or rejected, because you do not (any longer) adapt to the wishes and expectations of the other person. You choose 'the sweet peace' rather than take up a fight, because disharmony is almost unbearable.
Perhaps as a consolation: a relationship is a constant exchange of giving and receiving. Even though by creating disharmony and arguing you would negatively influence the balance of giving and receiving, you can almost always restore that balance at a later time by giving extra. Rarely is one moment of disharmony so decisive that 'all is hopelessly lost'. Often your (fear) reaction is too great for the situation. Then images from the past are projected over the here and now. That makes the here and now unsafe, while the question is whether that is actually the case. As a child, you depend on your parents for your survival. You can't 'go away', which makes you loyal to your parents. As an adult you can make different choices. The price you may pay is to endure disharmony. If you can't endure those feelings, you adapt to the needs of the other person, making you untrue to yourself.
What is harmony from a systemic point of view?
Your family system, which is your biological system of origin, affects you much more than you are aware of. A family system carries everything with and for each other from a deep connection and love. Everything of a serious nature, which is unresolved or unprocessed, is passed on to the next generations. So you can be loyal and faithful to previous generations and wear something for them. My two books 'The fountain, find your place' and 'The fountain, make wise choices' describe these dynamics, in which the fountain is a metaphor for the interpretation of your and others' place in your family system.
An example: Your parents have a structural quarrel and are so immature that they let their child mediate between them as a messenger. Then the child has come to stand in 'the fountain' between or above the parents. Although the child develops all kinds of skills in mediation, peacemaking and means of maintaining harmony, you are then 'ascended' (in the fountain) and bear undue responsibility. You're taking on something that doesn't belong to you. However, if it takes too long, it will take its toll. Deep down, a child wants nothing more than for the parents to be well, and will try to restore harmony, even if it is at the expense of itself. Patterns from the invisible fountain repeat themselves in your current life. If you're used to taking care of your parents and taking responsibility for their happiness, you'll eventually run the risk of burnout because you're repeating that pattern in your work and private life.
To what extent are harmony and disharmony connected?
Everything in this world has two sides: day/night, beautiful/ugly, guilty/innocent, control/surrender, war/peace etc. So also harmony/disharmony. One of the systemic laws is that a system wants to be complete. This also applies to duality, the two sides of one coin. The side that you don't like, you push away like a ball underwater. You will certainly keep that up for a while, but if you don't pay attention for a while, that ball will pop above water. You are then confronted with the side that you are so afraid of. The harder the side of the coin can't be there, the harder it bounces back at you. The more you deny that there is disharmony or turn away from it, the more intense the disharmony will manifest itself, because that side also wants to belong. If you learn to get the ball out of the water step by step, the side you fear will be much less scary. But then you have to learn to endure disharmony. The moment you move directly to the side of harmony, for example by adapting and 'pleasing' yourself, you do yourself short and there is a very good chance that you will ascend into 'The fountain'. Then you are not doing yourself well. Therefore, be aware of the so-called 'good girls and boys syndrome'. You then live according to the standards and expectations of the other person and do not take sufficient responsibility for your own life.
What can 'deal with the sweet good girls/boys syndrome' get you?
Letting go of the 'good girls/boys syndromen makes you mature. A child wants to be innocent and thinks it can stay out of the dynamics of good and evil. An adult knows that guilt is part of life. By guilt I don't mean breaking the law and going criminal. Guilt means that you have to endure choosing for yourself and setting boundaries that other people may not like. You also run the risk that the other person will be disappointed in you. This is accompanied by feelings of guilt and disharmony. Being able to feel guilt makes you stand with both feet in life. You do this by continuing to feel your whole body, including the unpleasant feelings surrounding guilt. This means that you must be able to 'inhabit' your body well, otherwise you will flee to your head. You then become a walking head, who only acts from ratio. The 'good girls/boys syndrome' and being a wandering head are discussed in detail in my book 'The fountain, find your place'.
How can you endure disharmony?
First check whether your fear of disharmony in the incident in question is 'now'. Are there no images from the past projected over the present? Or perhaps fears about the future that have not yet become reality. Then make sure you come to the here and now. Stand firmly on two feet, focus on your breathing with emphasis on exhaling properly and say, "It's today (date...), it's safe." It is advisable to locate the heavy spot in your body, where you feel your tension and nervousness. Send breathing there. In this way you get rid of this primary emotion and you clean yourself inside, so that your quality of presence in the now is increased again and with it your ability to act appropriately.
Then find out how bad it is if there is disharmony. Disharmony can also break a pattern that allows something new and better than the old situation to arise. Also, don't forget to perform a 'reality check': Will it still bother you in an hour, a day, a week, a month or a year? What would your elder wiser "I" advise? Then decide whether or not you should do something about the disharmony. And whether it might be useful to give feedback or set a limit, for example. If that doesn't work, you can argue in a mature way.
How do you decide if you want to face the confrontation?
Every person is like a mirror to you. What makes you upset and start arguing? What does this say about you? Ask yourself: "What makes me angry and upset?" Don't you secretly blame the other person for your own sensitivities, which are actually your own themes? Hasn't an old childhood pain taken over the conflict? In other words, is this mine, the other person's or both of you? What does this say about the other? You let go of what belongs to the other, because it is not yours, so you cannot solve that either. If desired, you can give feedback and set boundaries. You then run the risk that disharmony will arise in this 'confrontation'. So before you start a confrontation, think about what a conflict can and cannot do for you. Is the issue worth your energy? Be honest with yourself if you are a proponent of the 'harmony model'. Choose your battles is always wise advice, but don't run away from what it takes to speak and speak. Relate your choice to confront your values, how important that relationship is to you, and the extent to which interests are at stake. Arguing is not about winning or losing, but about what the quarrel brings to you together.
How can you argue in a healthy way and thus consciously create disharmony?
Arguing in a healthy way is actually giving feedback. Feedback is different from criticizing, blowing off steam or reacting aggressively. Describe your observations and link to it what it does to you. That's your interpretation of the observation. And then name the effect on you. Talk in the I-form and not in the you-form. Then ask 'do you recognize this?' or 'do you understand this?' and fall silent and maintain eye contact. Then listen to the other person's answer and summarize what they've said. Be careful not to put another hidden message from yourself in your recap. Stay with the other. Stephen Covey, the leadership expert, says: "First show that you understand the other person before you can be understood." So ask and be curious. You can then indicate what you expect, need or find important and, if desired, you indicate your limit. And you also ask that question to the other person. This way you can make agreements together, in which it is give and take. Sometimes it's right up your alley, other times it's 'I can live with it' or sometimes you just have to take your loss. And wear that like an adult. Finally, if the other person interrupts or attacks you or turns you away from the topic you are raising, then give feedback on the behavior the other is showing in the moment. Again through the structure of 'observation, interpretation and effect'. If you and the other person are bogged down in secondary emotions instead of primary emotions, it is useful to take a moment out and then discuss what needs to be discussed.
One last piece of advice.
Michael Pilarczyk describes in his book 'You are as you think': 'A calm mind is an ornament of wisdom, the result of a patient exercise in self-control. A calm mind is also a sign of rich experience, a witness to an above-average knowledge of the universal laws of thought.” As you grow up, you will argue less and less, or you realize that you do have to set your limits. rather than displaying 'please behaviour'. You realize that the other is a mirror for you. The more you have looked at your own themes and issues, the more harmonious and balanced you can be in life. After all, the other person no longer has to provide for your neediness and your hidden agendas. The more firmly you stand in your unique place in the invisible 'fountain' and thereby automatically grant the other his or her place, the more harmony, balance and inner peace you will experience in your life.