The right spot in your family system and relationship

Are you in a relationship and do you feel that you are losing each other because your partner is not growing with you or is in the right spot in the family system? Especially if you have children, it is important to look at this together. Because; what you do not bear, share and solve as parents, you unconsciously pass on to your children according to the invisible laws from the family system.

What if you stand in the right spot in the family system and your partner is not?

Children are the "inner soul" of the parents. Can you imagine a hanging mobile with fun figures hanging over a child's bed? When a figure is pushed, the whole mobile will "dance" and move. Compare the mobile with your family system and relationship. Your family system is the inseparable connection with all your family members and other elements that belong to your system. Such as family secrets, perpetrators and victims that are not talked about or losses that are not mourned because the pain is too great. Just like with the mobile, a movement of one element has an effect on the other elements. Every person is an inseparable part of his or her biological family system, so that impact always affects you; positive or negative. Often the children are the most vulnerable, because they are young and not yet able to defend themselves against influences from the family system.

The fountain

The fountain is the metaphor I use to indicate your place in your (family) system. Imagine a beautiful fountain consisting of many tiers one below the other that irrigate each other. Each tier is a generation and you are always in the child tier (in order of birth) under your biological parents. When parents are not in the right spot in the fountain, they are needy. You only catch the invisible flow of the fountain if you stand on your spot and allow the other person his or her spot. Picking up that flow is essential to how you feel and how your life unfolds. When a parent is not in their own spot, a child will unconsciously be invited to take care for the parent. Or the child develops a judgment about the needy parent. This is always at the expense of the growth and energy of the child.

Can you describe how "the ideal" picture looks like?

In an ideal picture, both parents stand firmly in their own places in the fountain. If you accept your own mother and everything she takes, she will be given a place above you in the fountain. As a result of which you are automatically more and more deeply able to connect with someone else. Relationships then become more loving, more nourishing and more intimate. If you allow your father his place, you will come to your natural decisiveness instead of your tendency to need to prove it. In addition, you will be able to indicate your limits more easily. You will also have less trouble with "authority" without making yourself "smaller". As a result, less suppressed frustration will be present in someone. Partners are then able to connect (via your inner attitude with your mother) as well as to limit themselves (via the inner attitude with your father).

If the relationship between the parents is good and consists of an equal exchange of giving and receiving, then children feel safe. If your inner attitude towards your children is that they can love the other parent as much as you love, then you have a pretty ideal systemic picture. This way you prevent unconscious loyalty dynamics in your children.

And how does a family look like when parents are not in the right place in the fountain?

The louder you shout "I really don't want to be or become like my parents", the harder the invisible systemic laws remind that you belong to your family system from. This manifests itself in a feeling of emptiness, unrest and/or a lack of quality of life. This affects your family. When you are not in the right place, you are often emotionally absent. The child feels that it is receiving attention, but deep down it feels that the parent is "elsewhere". The quality of presence of the parent is very low. This makes children insecure, because although the parent often listens, the child does not feel seen and heard. That's right, because an inner part of the parent is busy "elsewhere". From the great love of a child for a parent, it will doubt itself.  The child think will think, “it must be my fault, I'm not doing it well enough and I'll take all the blame". 

Bear what's not yours.

A systemic law is that everything that is not beared by the person concerned is passed on to the next generation. This also applies to all which is "unresolved" and unresolved grief. Unconsciously the children will start bearing what is not theirs. The child is then unable to lead his own life. Meanwhile the parents believe they have the easiest kids in town. In addition, the child loses energy that it cannot use for its own development. There is a good chance that the child will also develop judgments about the parent (s).

The child will also have this critical attitude and lack of attention towards itself and the rest of the world. The patterns from the family system are always going to repeat themselves in the daily (adult) life of the child. Unless the child learns to say yes to what is there (accept fate) and let go of what is not his or hers. Finally, I would like to mention that a parent might therefore feel very powerless because a child does not want to receive. Parents can then become tense about their own children, which in turn will have consequences for the quality of being together as a family.

How do you know whether or not you are in the right place in the fountain?

If you are dealing with repetitive stubborn patterns, you can often assume that you are not in your place in the fountain. A family constellation makes this flawlessly visible. Furthermore, after reading my book "The fountain, find your place" you can probably indicate whether or not you are standing firmly in your own place in the fountain. Incidentally, it is not bad if you occasionally move from your spot in the fountain, as long as you are able to stand in your own place again afterwards. I call that ascending to a "higher" tier of the fountain. You do this because you take over responsibility that is not yours or you judge someone above you in the fountain. It is also possible you have an unconscious identification with someone in your family systemin and as a consequence you are unable to live your own life without realizing it. See my book "The fountain, find your place" for a detailed explanation about ascending in the fountain.

How can you lovingly encourage your partner to move to his/her right place in the fountain?

In my practice I regularly come across that a partner finds it too exciting to look at their own themes. Looking away is then easier. This can manifest itself in daily life in seeking distraction by, for example, working very hard, playing sports or being social. You avoid the silence so that you are not confronted with your inner soul. The partner might sometimes be blamed, who will then often agree to keep the peace. Realize that the search for distraction is out of powerlessness, not unwillingness. The pain is too great and so you can assume that the next generation will carry the pain for them, your children!

Accuser and accused

Suppose you are standing firmly in your place in the fountain and the other partner is not, then the relationship can become stressed. If you act from a higher level of consciousness, it does not make you better or worth more as a human being. Don't judge your partner. This prevents you from falling into a pattern of "accuser and accused". The first step is the partner's own recognition that he or she is out of place. Often someone is not even aware of this. See how you can contribute to your partner's awareness. Sincerely ask how your partner is doing, ask questions about his or her past and difficult moments. Provide feedback on what the partner's behavior is doing to you and the children. Talk about your shared ideas about parenting and how you wish your children to have experienced parenting when they are older. Share your expectations and needs and set boundaries if necessary. Share your insights that you may have gained in your own growth process or through "the fountain". Remember: You cannot force a partner to follow a certain path. You can only encourage it. And then let it go. What is yours and what is the other's? You can only influence what is yours.

Can you request a family constellation for your partner who is probably not stable in his or her own place in the fountain?

No, and that’s because of integrity. It is part of your fate that your partner is not yet willing to look at certain themes. As a parent you can always request a constellation about your child, because you may know what is going on inside the child. The other way around is not allowed: a child is not allowed a constellation, out of curiosity, to see what is going on with the parents. That is none of the child's business. The moment the partner, who does not want a constellation, gives the sincere and explicit permission to have a constellation done in which the other parent is present but he or she is not, a constellation may be made. Systemic interventions may then be made on behalf of the child in the system of the parent, who is not present but has given consent. Then it becomes crystal clear how the child relates to the parents and how it stands in the fountain.

Now suppose that the parent does not give consent, then the absent parent can briefly be set up in a position by means of a representative to see how the representative of the child reacts to the parent. No further statements are made about how the absent parent reacts to the child. Nor should interventions be made with the absent parent. You as the other parent can then examine your part, take responsibility for it and translate it into action in daily life. It is the child's fate that this is the situation. 

And how can you help an ex-partner if you are no longer in a love relationship together, but you do share the upbringing of the children?

A relationship does not end without reasons, which does not mean that the relationship has not been beautiful and valuable. When there are children, the relationship has led to a wonderful new tier of children in the fountain. However, there are reasons why you have separated. The relationship may be over, but you always maintain systemic joint co-parenting. Sometimes you have to deal with the fact that no change is possible for the other. Then that's your fate. Then make sure that you are standing properly in the fountain, because as you can read above, it is important that your children will remain systemically unburdened. Then the children can come to you to find peace and recharge.

And keep seeing the child's other parent as the only right one for the child. Otherwise, children will get into loyalty conflicts. After all, they are 50% one parent and 50% the other parent. Deep down, if you reject the other parent, the child feels rejected. If possible, agree with the other parent that the child can always fully love the other parent and is always free to go to the other parent. If that fails, set minimum requirements / limits as far as possible. And otherwise, this is part of your fate and the fate of the child.

Suppose you are still in a relationship together. Can you describe 3 scenarios that can happen if you are in the right place in the family system and your partner is not?

Scenario 1: Suppose you have descended to your place in the fountain. This process will be encouraged by your partner, because through self-development you become a really beautiful version of yourself. This can benefit the relationship, including your partner.

Scenario 2: There may come a time when a partner is confronted with themselves because of your growth, because you no longer react in your old easy way. You now no longer allow yourself to be manipulated or follow the way the wind blows. That can be "annoying" for a partner, because you can no longer be pushed into the corner and it makes the partner think about themselves. Then the partner can start researching their own themes. I am convinced that a relationship can only succeed if both partners are willing to look at their own themes.

Scenario 3: The partner sees no opportunity to move and adapt. Then your relationship is strained with possibly a break in prospect. This is your fate, to which you have to formulate your own answer. See also my article about working on yourself and dealing with your environment.

One last word of advice.

According to David Maisters “Everything we want in our lives must be given to us". Sometimes someone else cannot give you what you long for. You can see that as rejection, but also as something that is part of life. After all, you are not always able to give what the other needs or desires. Everyone and everything is a package deal: everything that is beautiful, less beautiful and what the other cannot "deliver" is part of it. These last two aspects can make you angry and outraged. However, the incomprehensible should not make you powerless and cynical. Keep your heart open instead. Surrendering to what is creates space for further growth. Therefore it is necessary to let go. “Letting go causes temporary loss of grip, not letting go causes permanent loss of grip” says Sören Kierkegaard. Think about what you can influence and what you cannot influence and make wise choices based on that. Because your actions resonate through in "the mobile" that started this article. I wish you wise choices.