Why secrets are so important to you

Secrets can put enormous pressure on your life and cause elusive unrest or attach themselves to someone who has nothing to do with a specific secret. All this to get the family system back into balance. How do you deal with that?

Keeping a secret can put enormous pressure on your life. You may hide it for fear of overwhelming emotions from your environment. Yet great secrets often take a course of their own within your family system. They can cause elusive restlessness and attach themselves to someone who has nothing to do with the secret. All this to get the family system back into balance. The most beneficial for all involved is often to take control yourself. But does that mean that every secret must be unraveled? And how do you responsibly disclose the truth?

Why does a secret do more to you (and your environment) than you think?

Secrets are there to protect yourself and / or to protect other people. Secrets in the family are, for example, that the father is not the child's real father, or that there is an unrecognized half-brother / half-sister living somewhere. Or having an abortion that is not shared with the (sex) partner and the other children (if they are big enough for that). Or that a family member is in prison, someone has taken money or killed someone. But a secret can also concern unacceptable behaviour such as abuse or rape in the family or, for example, in sports or club life. Or that the mother has a secret relationship with another. My clients often struggle with such secrets because that secret weighs heavily on them and they don't know how to handle it. They are often afraid of the reactions of family, friends or colleagues. On the other hand, they can also feel a certain anxiety because they experience or intuitively know that there is something in the family that is not being talked about.

When is a secret serious enough to affect the family system?

An individual's secret becomes linked to your family system (the inseparable connection to all your family members) through the so-called family conscience. In the family conscience, all memories and events that relate to your family history are gathered. The main purpose of the family conscience is to keep the family together and, where necessary, restore the balance between giving and receiving in the entire family system. You do not feel the family conscience and it is not perceptible either, but its effects are transferred into the family system and are noticeable in your daily life. Without you realizing it, the family conscience can "hire you" to do something for the family system. Exclusion is one reason for the family conscience to be triggered. By definition, a secret has an exclusion principle within it, which can activate family conscience to recognize and "honor" the excluded member of the family system.

WHEN DOES A SECRET AFFECT THE FAMILY SYSTEM?

Not every secret has an effect on the family conscience. A secret must represent a certain force for it to be part of the family system. The probability that a secret has an influence on the family system increases with the degree to which the secret is linked to life and death, and the extension of this: sexuality and perpetrators. You can say with certainty that an abortion has an influence. Also if a father is never informed that he is the father of a child. A murder, regardless of whether the offense or victimization is in your family system, always has systemic consequences. A one night stand next to your long time relationship will probably have fewer consequences systemically. However, this does have an effect on the balance of giving and receiving between you and your partner. If you want to know for sure whether a secret has an influence on your family system, a family constellation can give you a definite answer. It can answer the question who needs to know about the existence of the secret, and if it might be systemically burdensome? For further explanation about the family conscience, I refer to my book The fountain, find your place.

DOES EVERY FAMILY SYSTEM HAVE SECRETS?

Probably yes. Every house has its cross and it is often hidden behind the front door. Everyone and everything that is locked out of a system, including secrets, are passed on to the next generation. Think, for example, of secrets about concentration camp history during the Second World War, betrayal or concealed abuse. It is a well-known phenomenon that (grand) children are often burdend with this past. A secret can therefore also arise because the pain is too great to bear, for example when mourning is not taken. In the past, many stillborn children have been "forgotten" and the name of the deceased child was passed on to the next living child. But the same goes for a secret love in the past, where the lovers were not allowed to get married, for example, because of different beliefs or because of homosexuality.

WHAT IS THE EFFECT OF SECRETS ON THE FAMILY SYSTEM AND HOW CAN IT get IN THE LIVES OF related INDIVIDUALS?

The effect can be twofold. A secret always causes elusive unrest in the family system. According to the "Fountain" system, everyone has their own place in the invisible layered family fountain. One generation per tray of the fountain, and then you are listed per tray in order of birth (alive or deceased). So everyone has their own unique place. A secret has no fixed place in the fountain, but it is part of it and it "floats" through the system. It often attaches itself to the most vulnerable in the family system, usually the youngest. These children then become restless, feel rushed, get busy without knowing or understanding the cause of the unrest. There is also a good chance that they will carry what is not theirs. One of the laws of a family system is that you can only carry what is yours. If you take responsibility that is not yours, you eventually weaken both yourself and the other.

The second effect is that by excluding someone the family conscience is activated and that "organizes" a so-called "unconscious identification". A child from the family system is hired, without being aware of it, to be "unconsciously identified" with the excluded person or the hidden secret. Then you live according to the dynamics "I follow you" and "I will not do any better than you". This loyalty is unconscious and ensures that this person does not let themselves go well in daily life. The unconsciously identified child will follow the patterns of "unconscious identification". As a result, the child may feel sadness and fears or experience behaviors that are not actually his or her. You therefore live less your own life, but follow the pattern of that unconscious identification, which turns out to be your great love. In anorexia, suicidal tendencies or business failures, I often see a connection with secrets and unconscious identifications.

is the wish to UNLOCK SECRETs ALWAYS THE SOLUTION TO RECOVER THE NATURAL luck IN YOUR LIFE?

The family system responds to great secrets. Unraveling these secrets is not necessary. In essence, it is about recognizing the fact that there is a secret. The contents of the secret are not relevant to the system. This may be different for you as a person, because a person tends to go to the ratio before processing and feeling a situation. You want to understand the event and know the facts, so that you can construct a logical story that gives you a grip again. Knowing the contents of a secret can help you, but it can also pull you into a downward spiral if you are unable to do the emotional processing. See the article "This is why for 2 minutes you really feel so sad or lonely".

The natural luck in your life is created when you catch the flow of the fountain. You do this by standing in your unique place in the fountain with your inner attitude and letting go of what is not yours. So also letting go of secrets that don't concern you. In other words, do not interfere with things that are not yours. And in other cases it is necessary to recognize the secret that makes the fountain flow more smoothly again. That does not mean that you have to unravel the secret completely. However, it is necessary that you start to feel your primary and own emotions again, such as shame, fear of no longer belonging or powerlessness. These will really clean "the wound." Secondary emotions such as anger, frustration or emotions arising from victimhood cover the primary emotions associated with the secret.

WHICH 3 SECRET INSIGHTS ARE IMPORTANT TO CONTINUE WITH YOUR PERSONAL PROCESS?

First: if you come across a secret, you can ask yourself the following questions: Do you really want to know the contents of the secret? Are you prepared to accept and act on the consequences? And have you thought about what you will do with your knwoledge of the secret in both the short and long term?

Second: If a secret is revealed, it does not mean that all facts and details must be disclosed. Suppose your partner cheated. The facts and details are irrelevant, but they are valuable to you and your partner. So what is the meaning of the experience? That's what it should be about. Realize that the person who tells the secret is less in danger than the person who first hears the secret.

Third: There is a real chance that the secret will come out at some point. When a secret comes to the surface, a sigh of relief usually follows. However, the situation as it was before will have changed permanently and can never return to the original situation. Also, remember that if you keep something secret to protect the other, it becomes very complicated if the other person knows and you deny it.

CAN A SECRET ALSO HAVE A POSITIVE FUNCTION?

As mentioned, secrets are there to protect yourself and / or to protect other people. For example, you are ashamed, and pushing it away is often easier than acknowledging reality.  Or you are afraid of hurting someone else, which makes you conceal something. However, the experience with my clients is that reality is the most healing. And that a person can handle reality just fine, no matter how hard it is. False hope or false power leads to smelly wounds. Revealing the secret relieves and can redeem next generations. Another positive feature is that a secret is a way of gaining autonomy in a relationship that makes you feel free. A relationship is a constant exchange of giving and receiving, moving along the axis of connectedness - freedom. If you suffer from commitment anxiety, a secret is a way to maintain your autonomy. Secrets can be that you love someone else, that you have specific fantasies or withhold money from the household pot etc. Secrets can also give power and feed your ego. You know something the other person does not know, which allows you to draw attention and power to you.

WHEN IS IT BETTER TO KEEP a SECRET?

Keeping a secret is wise if you are in a situation that is not safe and where you are treated unequally. In certain cultures it can be dangerous to reveal something, for example in cultures where honor killings are taking place, or where you run the risk of exclusion that can have far-reaching consequences. In addition, it makes sense to think about the consequences in the family system as described above. Can the secret be a pleasant or nasty memory, or will it have a systemic effect?

If you have made the choice not to reveal a secret, it is likely to have implications for the balance of giving and receiving. Because of the secret, you may have taken too much. Then make sure to give in the relationship in question, so that the balance is restored. You do not have to explain the reason for your giving. Realize that there is a consequence to every choice in your life. If you behave as an adult, you accept the choice and consequences without grumbling. Otherwise you are a small and immature child in an adult body. 

last words of wisdom

Always think carefully about whether you want to burden someone with a secret. Always ask yourself: does this make me and the other stronger or weaker? If you have a black page in your family system or in your own life, talk about it with third parties, professionals and social workers. Most secrets are not unique, which is not to say that they cannot have a major impact on you and other people's lives and weigh heavily on you. Search the causes and consequences with them and determine how you share or keep your secret. This makes the fountain flow even more smoothly!