This is how your family system influences depression and gloom
Are gloom and depression a present-day affliction, or does your family history also play a role? A largely unrecognized aspect of depression (and all its unfortunate consequences) is the influence of your family system on your state of mind. And that influence is much greater than you might think.
ARE GLOOM AND DEPRESSION A PRESENT-DAY AFFLICTION?
My view is that gloom and depression have existed throughout all times. In the past, people tended to sweep most issues under the rug and not talk about them, but nowadays, people are much more open about their “state of being.” When people are not doing well, they tend to share it with their inner circle of loved ones and also seek help from medical professionals and coaches. That said, some are very good at concealing the fact that they are not doing well. Their life may appear picture perfect to the outside world, but whether that is how they really feel inside is another matter.
A GROWING NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARE STRUGGLING WITH FEELINGS OF GLOOM. TO WHAT EXTENT ARE THESE FEELINGS A NORMAL PART OF LIFE, AND WHEN SHOULD ONE SEEK HELP?
Being downhearted is a part of life. There is no escaping such feelings. We live in a world of dualities. In other words, everything has two sides to it, for example: strong–vulnerable, transparent–opaque, controlling–not-knowing/letting go, and by the same token, prosperity–adversity. You always have a preference for one side of the coin, and it matters not which side of the duality that is. There appears to be a universal law that the more you push away the side of the coin you do not like, the more it will bounce back, not unlike when you push a ball under water. Sooner or later it will resurface. So if you have a deep-seated desire to be strong, the other side of the coin, vulnerability, will always rear its head. And this will generally happen at times when you least want it to. The trick is to embrace the side you do not particularly like. Saying yes to that other side means that you can help guide the ball to the surface yourself instead of the ball being launched in a moment over which you have little control. You can safely assume that the side you push away will always manifest itself. So if you insist on everything being positive, the other side will present itself in one way or another. Both sides of the coin are a part of life—there are positive feelings like hope, prosperity, and lightness on one side, and on the other, depressive feelings, despair, setbacks, and heaviness.
When should you get help? If you have been experiencing heavy and gloomy feelings for more than 14 days, I recommend you see your doctor or a professional. Similarly, if you notice that you are constantly getting stuck in secondary emotions instead of experiencing primary emotions, it is also a sign that you have some soul-searching to do. Secondary emotions mask primary emotions because the latter are too big and intense. It is easier to be angry (a secondary emotion) than to feel the rejection and loneliness (primary emotions) that actually help you to process something. See the article “What Emotions Cleanse You from Within and Which Ones Are Best Avoided?” Another sign for you to pay attention to is if you always feel the need to be “busy” or pressured as a way to avoid facing what is really going on.
WHAT IS THE LINK BETWEEN DEPRESSION AND THE FAMILY SYSTEM?
Not being in the right place in your family system will leave you feeling empty, needy, and melancholy. Imagine a beautiful fountain with several tiers of water flowing into each other. Your ancestors are in the top tiers, below them your grandparents, and then come your biological parents. You are always in the child tier, below your parents, together with your siblings, your half-siblings, and any miscarried and aborted children. In the tier below you are your children and below them, their offspring. In this way, everyone has their own, unique place. When you are standing in your place, you can receive the invisible flow of the fountain, which appears to be vital for feeling fulfilled and stable. This also brings feelings of contentment and satisfaction. There can be a number of reasons why you may not be standing in your place in the fountain. You may have “ascended” in the fountain and ended up in a “higher” tier. This can happen if, for example, you have assumed responsibility for your parents. Perhaps you wanted to relieve them (by not sharing your sadness) or even “save” them, or your parents saw you as a pillar of support. Another manner of ascension is that you have passed judgment on your parents because you believe that what you received from them was not enough, was too much, or was poorly timed. In that case, you are not granting your parents their rightful place. It means you have positioned yourself above them in the fountain, but from that place, you cannot receive its flow. And that is what gives rise to negative and gloomy feelings. In addition, confusing and conflicting feelings will also arise: for example, while you love them dearly, you also feel unseen, or feel “I have to do it on my own again,” or you feel lonely. This creates “deficits” that can manifest themselves in depressive symptoms. For further guidance on how to deal with a sense of “deficit,” see my book The Fountain: Find Your Place.
HOW CAN THE DEPRESSED MENTAL STATE OF YOUR PARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS HAVE SUCH AN BIG IMPACT ON YOU AS AN ADULT, EVEN THOUGH EVERYTHING OTHERWISE SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL?
When your loved ones are not doing well, being happy can prove difficult. You feel guilty because when you yourself are happy and content, the distance between you and them is too great. That can be very hard to endure. It is then easier to hold back and make yourself small.
Another possibility is that you have taken on someone else’s feelings. These are feelings that are not your own, but someone else’s that you have become entangled with. They actually belong to someone else in your family system. These emotions are outsized and do not really fit the situation. They arise out of an “unconscious identification” with someone in your family system. Allow me to explain. Family systems do not accept the exclusion of anything or anyone. Exclusion occurs when someone has done something wrong, but also when grief is so overwhelming that proper mourning has not taken place. This exclusion is caused by your personal conscience (of right and wrong). The family system also has another conscience, the so-called family conscience. The family conscience watches over your fountain and wants to keep everything “together.” When someone or something has been excluded, the family conscience is activated and a person who joins the family system at a later time will form an unconscious identification with the excluded person. This occurs completely outside of your awareness. The person with whom you have this entanglement is then your “great love” (again, without you even knowing it) and you live your life according to the dynamics of “I’ll follow you” and “I won’t fare better than you.” You also feel the feelings of that person. For example, you may take on the sadness of the mother who lost her first child, or the anguish of the grandfather who was imprisoned in a concentration camp, or the anger of one of your parents’ ex-partners when that break-up resulted in the relationship from which you were born. There is no known explanation for how this works, only that it happens. To learn more about this phenomenon, refer to my book The Fountain: Find Your Place. A family constellation can give you insights into the invisible patterns and dynamics in your family if you think you might have unconsciously adopted the feelings of a family member.
DO CHILDREN OFTEN TAKE ON THE GLOOMINESS OF THEIR MOTHER OR FATHER?
To my knowledge, there is no rhyme or reason to be found here. Every individual has their so-called systemic fate. In my opinion, who gets assigned what particular systemic fate is completely down to chance. Some children take on a greater caretaking role for their mother, others for their father. Sometimes, an “unconscious identification” manifests itself.
Suppose you have a sibling (so there are two of you in the child tier under your parents). You will often see that one child takes care of the father more, and the other takes care of the mother. Deep down, you know that you are 50% your father and 50% your mother. If one sibling leans more toward one parent, the other will lean toward the other parent out of an unconscious sense of loyalty. But not always, because when parents divorce, you sometimes see that both children reject the parent they do not live with. This is because the parent they do live with cannot handle the fact that the children love the other parent just as much.
I also do not believe that women are more likely to unconsciously take on the feelings of others than men. It might show up differently in day-to-day life, though. A son who takes care of his mother will later become involved in relationships in which he takes on that role, and he may also “rewarded” for it by those around him because he is so empathetic. A daughter who takes care of her mother and takes on her mother’s feelings may be seen as a whiny nag and will not be so quick to assert herself.
WHAT IS THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SUICIDE AND THE FAMILY SYSTEM?
Suicide does not shock me. I see the great systemic love that often lies behind it. Suicide usually has two causes: one visible and one invisible. The visible reason could be bankruptcy, losing face, being left by a partner, or personal trauma. The invisible reason could have to do with an unconscious identification (see above). Why does one person commit suicide in such a situation and another not? In my experience, when someone commits suicide, they are often caught up in an unconscious identification. They do not want to allow themselves to fare better than another, nor do they want to become successful, because then they would be “unfaithful” to the unconscious identification that is their great love. It is quite common to follow someone in their pattern, even in death. What is remarkable is when a constellation is performed, the “representative” of the person who committed suicide almost always appears to feel inner peace. Those who commit suicide do not want to be followed by a child from their family system. That risk is real because suicide often does not get talked about. This excludes the person who committed suicide, which greatly increases the chance that someone will be unwittingly enlisted in an unconscious identification with this person. If you feel the urge to follow someone into death, then say to yourself and to that person: “Even though you have gone, I am staying. Please look kindly upon me if I make other choices.”
In my book The Fountain: Find Your Place, I explain another reason that people commit suicide. They do it to restore the balance between giving and receiving. Subconsciously, family systems bear everything for each other. If there is an imbalance when it comes to giving and taking in a family system, this will be compensated for. The debt of another member of the family system is thereby “settled” in this way.
HOW CAN YOU LIBERATE YOURSELF FROM THESE BURDENSOME FAMILY LAWS?
The answer is both simple and complex. You have to stand in your place in the fountain. You make peace with your fate and accept the package deal that your parents are. The package deal is all their beautiful and not-so-beautiful aspects, and everything they were unable to give you. You say yes to that. The essential question in this is: “What is yours, and what belongs to the other?” If your parents claim or claimed you or let you down, that belongs to them and not you. You can leave that with them. It may be useful to give feedback and set boundaries, in which case you will still be granting them their place.
Then you look at what belongs to you. That you had to become “adult” too young or that you feel rejected or not good enough. That belongs to you, and you can always handle it. It is up to you to formulate an answer to your questions, and you also need to process “what happened” emotionally. You do that by facing your primary emotions.
HOW CAN YOU BEST SUPPORT A FRIEND WHO IS DEPRESSED?
A person is always allowed to feel what they feel. So there is no point in saying that someone should not feel the way they do. That only feeds the person’s belief that they are “messing things up again” and reinforces their feelings of not being seen and heard.
When someone is struggling, it is often easier for them to cause pain in others by acting out in an inappropriate way than to feel their own pain. If need be, give feedback if your friend is avoiding facing their own pain and thereby hurting others.
Listening always helps, but that means you have to really listen. Focus on receiving and not on transmitting. Do not say that you have been through the same thing and that it turned out okay in the end. Do not give advice or look for solutions. Simply stand by that person and empathize with them without pitying them. And do not be tempted to offer more help than is necessary. That robs the other person of their own strength. So what is the right kind of help, then?
If you notice that you are feeling drained after visiting a depressed person, it may be that they are still caught up in secondary emotions. This will drain your energy. In that case, try to get them to focus on their primary emotions. Always refer them to a doctor and any other professional help they may need. Or recommend a constellation session to help reveal any unconscious identifications. You are a friend, partner, or colleague, but not a counselor.
CAN YOU, AS A PARENT, PREVENT THE GLOOM FROM YOUR FAMILY SYSTEM FROM BEING PASSED ON TO YOUR OWN CHILDREN?
Yes, absolutely. When you stand firmly in your own place in the fountain, your children will be quite safe. If you have ascended in the fountain, you will be needy because you are not in the right place to receive its flow. If you then have a child, the baby will immediately sense whether or not you are needy. Children want to do everything for their parents and will do their utmost to take care of them. Unfortunately, the child’s efforts will be in vain. They cannot solve your problems because your problems are not theirs to solve. This means your child will likely pass judgment on you. Your child will then have ascended above you in the fountain. This, in turn, will make them needy themselves. If they then have children of their own, their children will feel their parents’ neediness. This is how patterns get passed on from generation to generation. So stand firmly in your place in the fountain. I am convinced this will make the world a more beautiful place. When you stand firmly in your place by, for example, granting your mother her place above you, it creates more warm and loving relationships. When you can grant your father his place above you in the fountain, there are fewer alpha males and females who do not concede space to others. This naturally leads to less dissatisfaction and frustration in the world, which is a very welcome thing!
THREE TIPS TO HELP YOU REDISCOVER YOUR LOVE OF LIFE DESPITE THE GLOOM
Just like brushing your teeth and washing your hands, “scanning your body” should be part of your daily self-care routine. Your body is where your primary emotions reside. They help you process situations. You can push away and hide unpleasant feelings, but that will always result in energy leaks. “Feeling through” your primary emotions is much more effective because doing so heals and cleanses you within.
Second, when asked why life has its ups and downs, a wise person said the following: It is to make you realize that you are not better or more than most people. It brings you back to human proportions and engenders a certain humility. Be grateful for what you have, and cherish it instead of just wanting more, bigger, and faster.
Finally, Esther Perel said very aptly, “If you are not curious about yourself, about who you are beyond what you thought, nothing will happen. Because certainty is the enemy of change.” See gloom as an opportunity for you to grow and expand your potential.