Why it's sometimes easier to let things go badly
It sounds so simple; to let yourself do well and enjoy happiness. In practice this may be very different. You can feel guilty if you say that you are doing well, while you know that very dear people around you are not doing so well.
WHY IT’S NOT OBVIOUS FOR EVERYONE TO BE ABLE TO SAY “ I’M DOING WELL”
It sounds so simple; to let yourself do well. In practice this may be very different. You can feel guilty if you say that you are doing well, while you know that dear people around you are not doing well. Then it's easier to restrain yourself from making the difference seem so big. It is also possible that you have already taken (received) a lot and have given less in proportion, so that you now feel that you are no longer entitled to happiness. Someone who luckily survived a terrible accident, may unconsciously feel that he has to pay back, which means that this person will work very hard for someone else and put himself in the last place. In the search of happiness, there is often a fear of "loss" that stands in the way of accepting prosperity. Finally; some people are just stubborn and think that in search of happiness they don't need the knowledge and skills of others. They think "I do it alone", but with that you deny yourself the support, wisdom and capacity of others.
WHAT IS SO EXCITING TO FEEL HAPPY AND EXPRESSING IT?
Accepting your greatness is often more exciting than playing small. The well-known quote from "Return to love" by Marianne Williamson shows this beautifully:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us.
We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
If you develop and use your full potential, you gain influence and power. With full potential you can achieve valuable goals and build up a lot of beautiful things, but you will be able to destroy. To fully embrace your greatness, it requires you to bear responsibility and have an ethical compass at your disposal. Do you dare? Moreover, it is exciting what others will think of you. "Big trees attract the woodsman’s axe. Do you still meet the norm in your community? One step further; if you really show your greatness, you can also be idealized. That sounds nice, but in practice it is lonely. If someone sees only the beauty in you, but not your entire personality with all the good and bad parts, it can feel very lonely, because "the rest" of you apparently doesn’t matter. This stands in the way of a real connection with someone and the relationship becomes unbalanced.
WHAT IS THE RELATION BETWEEN LETTING THINGS GO BADLY AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITIES FOR YOUR OWN LIFE?
If you take responsibility for your life, it means that you say yes to your life with the corresponding destiny. Your destiny are all the circumstances to date that have made you the way you are today. So all the prosperity and setbacks. As described above, embracing greatness requires that you can and want to bear responsibility. Are you willing to pay the price for this? After all, sometimes it is easier to put the blame on your parents, your employer, your partner and to be angry with them. Then you feel you don't have to take any responsibility. Being angry is easier than dealing with possible rejection, deficiency or sorrow. Then you take no responsibility and you let things go badly because you have no inner peace. This is the basic principle.
However, there are situations where you feel that you feel very responsible by letting things go badly, no matter how strange that may sound.
Suppose you survived a natural disaster but others died. Your attempt to cross the Mediterranean as a refugee has succeeded while many people drowned. You drove over someone or caused serious injury to someone else. You see that "the lucky" often find it hard to be really happy. A part of them is connected to the people who didn't make it or are hurt. Suppose you let yourself go well in such a situation: you feel unfaithful and identify with the others with less luck. However, there’s no need to play small. After all, another victim will fall. Just assume that the "real" victims of the disaster do not want that. This is also sometimes reflected in reorganisations. You can stay but a large part of your colleagues have been fired. Instead of being cheerful and grateful that you can stay, the reorganized department often doesn’t prosper. Even years later staff members may feel an unconscious identification with the people that were fired.
HOW IS IT THAT FEELING HAPPY SOMETIMES ALSO FEELS SELFISH?
Suppose you have a brother or sister who is not doing well because he or she is sick, disabled or makes it’s own life very difficult. For a brother or sister, it can feel selfish to be happy. You do fun things while your loved one can literally and figuratively go nowhere. You must be able to endure that, to simultaneously feeling guilty and taking full advantage of your happiness. Not only in a spiritual sense, but also on an emotional level. I once heard a fascinating story. When asked why life has ups and downs, a lady replied: "Downs are there to remind yourself that you are not better or more than others. Even though you are doing well and the other is not so lucky, that does not make you anymore worth and the other less. Perhaps you have had more luck because of your good health, the place where your cradle stood or your intelligence etc. "
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO DEAL WITH A FEELING OF GUILT TOWARDS YOUR PARENTS IF YOU FEEL HAPPY?
It is important that you solely bear responsibility for what is yours. You are never responsible for someone else's happiness and specifically not for your parents. Of course you can sympathize in a spiritual or practical sense, but pity will help no one. The art is to let go of what is not yours and just to bear what is yours. For example, that you feel so guilty that you don’t have a challenging destiny compared to others. I think it is an illusion to live without guilt. Guilt is part of life; you just have to face it by feeling it instead of running away from it.
WHICH ELEMENTS CONTRIBUTE TO FEELING HAPPY?
You are much more connected to your biological family system of origin, your (ancestors) than you can possibly imagine. The patterns in your family system repeat themselves in your current life, such as structurally taking on too much responsibility, not allowing the generation above you their place or being unable to really connect. Parents give what they can give and if they could have given more, they would have done that. There is powerlessness and clumsiness instead of unwillingness. You can illustrate that if you let go of your judgment about your parents and you are in the right place in the invisible family fountain, you will immediately feel good about yourself. Count your blessings, e grateful and be in the here and now. If you still have to sort things out in the past, it is always harder to be awake and present in the here and now. So look at the past, work through painful emotions and don't get sour over loss. Only in the here and now you can "harvest" and find new happiness. Perseverance, resilience and discipline are essential in this.
WHAT IS THE GAIN FOR PEOPLE WHO LET THINGS GO BADLY FOR THEMSELVES?
If things are not going well for you, receiving help is often necessary to recover (faster). By receiving help you become indebted to someone, which could cause you to lose your independence. Then you rather continue to muddle through than to owe the other person something. The profit is then your apparent freedom. The benefit of letting things go badly is that you don't have to bear any debts. If you're not doing well, just like that dear person, you don't feel guilty either. You then live according to the dynamic "I won’t allow things to go better for me than for you". Someone who is structurally unsuccessful in all kinds of areas may also have a so-called unconscious identification. Then expressing love to the person with whom you are unknowingly identified is the gain. However, do not confuse letting things go badly with laziness. There are certainly people who prefer to be lazy instead of tired, but most people are willing to work hard. However, they often do not know "which buttons to turn".
HOW CAN YOU HELP FRIENDS UNDERSTAND THAT IS WORTH SAYING GOODBYE TO “MISERY”?
You may want to help, but does the other really want to get rid of his misery? After all, there is often a gain in letting things go bad. Ask such a person to make a "to be" list in addition to a "to do" list. How do you want to be as a person? And how do you want to be talked about at your funeral? Will your current behaviour and mindset to become that person? If not, what is the first step you can take? Also investigate what advantage there is in maintaining the current situation, because there is always a reason, otherwise you would exhibit different behaviour.
HOW CAN INSIGHT INTO YOUR FAMILY SYSTEM HELP?
Stop wanting to save the other. Do not solve everything for the other. Give the other person the opportunity to gain his or her own strength. If you react too quickly to arrange something, the other person will never reach his own potential. Furthermore, don’t forget that you can only bear what is yours. If you start bearing what belongs to the other, you ultimately weaken both yourself and the other. Moreover, something "crazy" happens in a family system if you do not carry the load of your issues and rather to do something for the other, so that you exceed your own limits. What you do not carry is passed on to the next generation. The good news is that you always have 100% control to feel good. Nothing or nobody, nor any circumstances whatsoever, has the power to make you feel small. Know where to start and have the guts to ask for (professional) help, while the responsibility always remains with you. In “ The Good Luck” by Alex Rovira Celma & Fernando Trias De Bes, the first line of luck is described as follows: "Stupid happiness is never long-lasting, because it does not depend on you. You create true happiness yourself, that's why it is long-lasting. "
Enjoy life!