How to properly end a romantic relationship

When a relationship comes to an end, everyone worries about what the future will hold. When you stay in a relationship, you know what you have: it may not be perfect, but it is a relationship versus being single again. The “familiar” in a relationship, which may not bring out the best in you, is sometimes easier to handle than the unknown, with all the insecurities that come with it. If you want to have children and the clock is ticking, what are the chances of finding a new partner with whom you can fulfill that wish? One of the reasons breaking up is generally so difficult is because you let fear and emotion rule you instead of daring to go through that valley of despair to get to the pleasure, true happiness, and new opportunities that life has to offer on the other side. Sometimes, it can be easier to muddle through life unhappily than to look to the future through the pain and “not-knowing.”

WHY IS IT SO DARNED HARD AND TERRIFYING TO BREAK OFF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP?

When a relationship comes to an end, everyone worries about what the future will hold. When you stay in a relationship, you know what you have: it may not be perfect, but it is a relationship versus being single again. The “familiar” in a relationship, which may not bring out the best in you, is sometimes easier to handle than the unknown, with all the insecurities that come with it. If you want to have children and the clock is ticking, what are the chances of finding a new partner with whom you can fulfill that wish? One of the reasons breaking up is generally so difficult is because you let fear and emotion rule you instead of daring to go through that valley of despair to get to the pleasure, true happiness, and new opportunities that life has to offer on the other side. Sometimes, it can be easier to muddle through life unhappily than to look to the future through the pain and “not-knowing.”

WHEN DO YOU KNOW IT IS TIME TO LEAVE A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP?

Relationships are a constant balancing act of give and take. If you receive something in the relationship (attention, security, sex, money, etc.), you feel “guilty,” and you start to give. If the other person can receive that, the balance is restored. This makes your partner feel “guilty,” which makes them start to give again. And so the cycle continues. You get a wonderful “turnover” of giving and receiving that goes on and on. It is a virtuous circle. And it is okay if the balance is skewed for a while, but at some point it has to be restored. Sometimes, it is up to one partner to “shine.” Of course, this balancing of the scales need not necessarily be in the same form. Sincere gratitude is also a form of giving. However, if the balance has grown so lopsided that there is no chance of it being restored, it is time to leave. And if a vicious circle develops, that is usually the right time to leave the relationship. If one partner does something hurtful to the other, the other will often do something equally unpleasant in return. Then the other feels entitled to retaliate (in a negative sense) and so on. Another indicator that a relationship can no longer be saved is if you or your partner treats each other with contempt. If a person starts regularly rolling their eyes, the chance of restoring mutual respect is extremely small. Be aware that expressing contempt for your partner is a very big “take.” If the balance is far from optimal and you doubt whether you want to continue with that person, listen to both your rational mind (scenarios) and your body’s reaction. Your body always reacts before things have had time to register in your head. Ask yourself where that migraine, persistent stomachache, or painful shoulder is coming from.

WHAT ARE THE MOST ACCEPTED WAYS TO END A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP?

I have no clue.

ACCORDING TO “THE FOUNTAIN,” WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO END A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP?

In my opinion, ending a romantic relationship is always painful, and because it affects you so deeply, you think your situation is unique. Using “the fountain,” which is a metaphor for your family system (to which you are inextricably connected), you come to know what your own, unique place is. From that place, you receive the flow of that invisible fountain, which is essential to how your life flows. According to the fountain’s principles, you are free to enter into your next relationship when the following points are “settled” in your mindset and preferably expressed to your ex-partner as well.
These phrases help acknowledge that something was once valuable and good. Doing so frees you to move on. If you do not manage to “tick these boxes” sufficiently, a negative bond will remain, even though your relationship is over.

• I have loved you/you have meant a lot to me, even though I am now parting ways with you.
• I have gladly given you what I have given you.
• Thank you for the many good things you have given me. I will honor you for that.
• For that which has gone wrong between us, I take responsibility. I leave the responsibility for your part with you.
• I will take all the good from our relationship with me into the future. Thank you for that.

HOW CAN YOU TRANSFORM THE FEAR THAT OFTEN ACCOMPANIES BREAKING UP A RELATIONSHIP INTO TRUST?

If you consider yourself fundamentally “okay” and have self-respect, you will generally find it easier to put yourself out there and stand on your own two feet. Support in the form friends, family, and funding (“fuck-you money”) are also indispensable. In my experience, you are only truly deeply satisfied with yourself when you can accept your parents in their essence. Your self-esteem is tied to your inner stance toward your parents. Your parents are a “package deal”: All the beautiful and not-so-beautiful aspects of them, and also everything you long for and will never receive. If you accept (unequivocally) the package deal that your parents are, you will gain a basic level of self-confidence. After all, you are 50% your biological mother and 50% your biological father. When you reject them, you reject yourself. Any feelings of success, love, or satisfaction will be short-lived—you will soon feel empty again when you inwardly reject your parents. I describe how you can “accept” your parents in the book The Fountain: Find Your Place.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE ON HOW PARTNERS CAN ENGAGE IN HONEST CONVERSATION WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP IS AT QUESTION BUT NOT YET AT AN END? WHEN DO YOU KNOW IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS SALVAGEABLE, FOR EXAMPLE?

Relationships are not static things. They are built continuously and over time. That relationship-building is done by constantly giving and receiving while also listening to each other, staying curious about each other, letting go and attracting, and being able to give feedback. Share what you need or appreciate in a relationship and ask your partner to do the same. Human beings grow as the years pass; they change and develop new needs. You are no longer the version of yourself that you were in the past. You have continued to grow. Keep one another informed of this and do not silently expect the other to pick up on these developments and simply understand them. Talk to one another about your progress, growth, and needs. In addition to the above, a relationship only has a chance of succeeding if both partners are willing to look at their own issues. If neither of you are willing to do so, the relationship has no chance in my view.

COULD YOU PROVIDE SOME COMMUNICATION TOOLS FOR ENDING A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP? HOW DO YOU STAY CONNECTED TO YOURSELF AND THE OTHER PERSON IN SUCH COMPLICATED MOMENTS?

If you want to end a relationship, do it in a personal conversation. Any other way is taking the easy way out in my opinion. It shows very little respect for the other person. Then the other person should be glad to be rid of you. Simply put, it will be a bad-news conversation, so deliver the message immediately and then “receive” the other person’s emotion. In other words, do not keep “transmitting” with reasons, with excuses, but be on the receiving end. Once the initial emotions have subsided, follow the sequence of statements mentioned earlier in this article. It is likely that this explanation will be needed in several more conversations/follow-up talks. It helps to visualize having your parents with you in those difficult moments. You can visualize them behind your shoulders, which will give you extra strength.

WHAT DOES THE WAY YOU END A RELATIONSHIP SAY ABOUT YOU, THE BOND WITH YOUR FATHER, THE BOND WITH YOUR MOTHER, AND YOUR PLACE IN THE FOUNTAIN?

How you are inwardly connected to your mother determines your maximum ability to deeply connect with another. People see a so-called double image when they look at their (potential) partner. When you look at your partner, there is an invisible person right behind them: your biological mother. In everyday life, of course, you do not see that, but at another level, you do. This applies to both men and women. Behind your partner is always your mother, and it makes no difference whether she is alive or not. That is how your inner stance toward your mother affects your relationships.

The same is true the other way around: behind you is your partner’s mother. There is no escaping that. So in the early stages of a relationship, listen carefully to how this person talks about their mother. Then make a decision whether this (potential) partner is relationship material. Your inner stance toward your father has less of an influence on relationships. It is true, however, that when you reject your father, you feel more of a need to prove yourself, and with that the accompanying need for recognition. You then force your partner to make up for that lack of recognition. However, a partner can never compensate for a deficiency that has arisen elsewhere. Finally, if you are standing firmly in the fountain, you will be more likely to have a healthy tendency to walk away from unhealthy relationships. You will not settle for “crumbs.”

WHAT HELPS YOU GROW IN THIS PROCESS?

There may be times when you have doubts afterward, even though you rationally know that it is better for the relationship to be over. Even though the relationship is over, you still long for your ex. It may be that you left a piece of your heart with that person. You have, as it were, given away a piece of yourself, something so unique that you have to get it back to become whole again. Although it may seem like you long to get your ex back, your deepest desire is actually to reunite yourself with the piece of your heart you gave away. Compare your heart to an apple tree. Your ex can keep all the products of your heart (all the apples and what they represent), but you have to reclaim your tree. It will always belong to you alone, yet it is often the part that gets left behind while trying to move on from a relationship. But you cannot move on until you are whole. Visualize that piece of your heart and integrate it into your own. My book The Fountain: Find Your Place  an entire chapter to the topic of partners and relationships.

IS IT EVER EASY TO END A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR VIEW?

I am afraid not. The pain that comes from ending a relationship indicates that the relationship has been valuable and beautiful. I believe, at any rate, that a sincere romantic relationship always brings about more good than it can destroy, provided you are standing firmly in your place in the fountain. After all, from being in that place, you have learned to receive. And being able to receive is the basis for any healthy relationship.” If you receive a lot in a relationship, you have that much more to pass on. My husband always says, “A happy wife is a happy life.” How grateful can you be?