This is the impact of growing up without your biological parents
Were you adopted as a child, were you raised as a foster child, or was one of your parents not there during your childhood? If so, the common thread in each of these cases is that you were not raised by both your biological parents. And that has consequences for how you are in life as an adult. Themes such as experiencing a pervasive sense of rejection or not being good enough can greatly affect your present life.
THIS IS THE IMPACT OF GROWING UP WITHOUT YOUR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS
Everyone has to find their own answers to their own fate, including all the circumstances and events that go with that fate. Where you were born can have a tremendous influence on the course of your life. For many, growing up with one’s biological parents is a given. They know their family background and how many siblings they have. But that is not the case for everyone. Sometimes a person’s fate can include their parents being unable to care for them and giving them up after birth. This article is about adopted children and their families. But the dynamics I describe using the laws of family systems apply to foster children as well.
WHAT KIND OF TRAUMA CAN GROWING UP WITHOUT ONE’S BIOLOGICAL PARENTS CAUSE?
Adopted children face circumstances that can be experienced as traumatic. Depending on the child and the situation, an adopted child can suffer a variety of “injuries.” This can lead to the adopted child inwardly rejecting their biological parents. Yet each of us is 50% our biological father and 50% our biological mother. If you reject them, you reject yourself and you will always feel “empty” despite all the love and success you may be blessed with.
It is therefore important that adopted children connect with their biological parents at an emotional level. Biological parents are a package deal: all the beautiful things, the not-so-beautiful things and everything they are unable to give you that you so long for. For adopted children, this often means that their biological parents were only able to give them life and were no longer available after that. Realize that you carry their genes, their health, certain mannerisms of theirs, and so on within you. Who knows, maybe you, too, are very street-smart, persistent, and a survivor. Those qualities come from somewhere. Accepting the package deal is about your inner stance, not about what did or did not happen. Those are circumstances. Of course, accepting the package deal will ask a lot of you, but it can just as easily lead to a wonderful life, free of trauma and negative patterns.
WHERE DO ADOPTIVE PARENTS AND BIOLOGICAL PARENTS STAND RELATIVE TO EACH OTHER?
Loyalty conflicts arise for adopted children when adoptive parents are immodest. Biological parents occupy place 1, and adoptive parents occupy place 2. It is extremely liberating for an adopted child when both adoptive parents can express and live by the following principle: “You have our permission to love your biological parents as much as you love us. From our perspective, you are always free to go to them.” (If this is applicable in practical terms; in any case, it should be your true inner stance.) The birth parents might express their gratitude to the adoptive parents, as the latter did not have to take on this task. These statements give all those involved a great deal of space and dignity in family constellations.
HOW DOES THE MODEL OF “THE FOUNTAIN” WORK WHEN IT COMES TO ADOPTION?
All children are members of their biological family system. Adoptive parents are part of your fate rather than your family system. It is beyond dispute that adoptive parents can fulfill meaningful and wonderful roles. Imagine your family system as a fountain with multiple tiers of water flowing into one another. At the top are your biological ancestors, below them are your four grandparents, and in the tier below that are your biological parents. It does not matter whether or not you knew them. You belong in the child tier, below that of your biological parents and in order of birth with your siblings, half-siblings, any miscarriages, and any children who were aborted or whose existence was kept secret (any and all blood relatives). In the tier below you are your children and so on.
Each person has their own, unique place. No one place is better or more valuable than the other. It is up to you to stand in your place in that invisible fountain to catch the stream that is so healing and healthy for you. You can imagine that a person who stands in their rightful and unique place generally fares well. By the same token, you can also conclude that if someone keeps experiencing bad luck, troubles, and setbacks in their life, that person is probably not standing in their rightful place in the fountain.
Invisible laws govern family systems. For example, you may unwittingly project onto yourself what you reject in your parents out of a subconscious loyalty to them. The more you protest, “I do not want to be like them,” the greater the chance you will become just like them. Another law that applies here is that nothing and no one in our fountain should be excluded through our inner stance. Exclusion greatly increases the chance that so-called unconscious identifications will arise. Without realizing it, you may find yourself living someone else’s life.
Children are therefore beholden to their biological family system, even if they have not consciously interacted with their biological parents. Connecting inwardly with your biological parents frees you and allows you to live life to the fullest because it is then that you allow the invisible laws of the family system to work for you instead of against you. For much more on this, read my book The Fountain: Find Your Place.
IN WHAT WAYS CAN THIS BURDEN YOU AS AN ADULT?
Adopted children are unconsciously loyal to their biological family system. It is quite a challenge for a child to allow themselves to do well while those they hold dear are not doing well. There is a real chance that the birth parents are not doing or did not do well. After all, being put up for adoption is not done without reason. To be successful in life, you have to be able to overcome your feelings of guilt. Sometimes, it may be easier to keep yourself small than to embrace your full greatness, because then the gulf between you and your parents is not so immense.
Another conflict of loyalty arises when adopted children feel loyal to their adoptive parents, who may feel they are better parents than the biological parents were. Or an adopted child may feel that they have received a lot and therefore owe something in return. The child may or may not have consciously retained the memory of being surrendered and going to live with the adoptive parents. Is the child allowed to love their biological parents in spite of this, or would that have consequences? Such questions breed insecurity.
THE THEME OF “REJECTION” IS LIKELY A RECURRING THEME IN THE LIVES OF CHILDREN WHO HAVE GROWN UP WITHOUT THEIR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS. HOW CAN THESE CHILDREN OVERCOME THIS?
We all spent time in the wombs of our biological mothers (except for those born through surrogacy) For nine months, you hear your mother’s heartbeat and voice. That is recognizable and comforting. After your birth, you are separated from your biological parent(s). The security you thought you had is no longer there. Suddenly, other people are taking care of you. That can easily be traumatic. The child may decide, under the influence of a survival mechanism, that the parents cannot be trusted, and so the child stops reaching out. A healthy young child reaches out literally and figuratively by stretching out their arms and inviting others to pick them up and cuddle them. A child who has lost trust stops reaching out. This behavior often repeats itself later in life.
Because the adult child no longer dares to reach out, they will experience rejection more often. This can lead to detachment. The child has learned to think, “Fine, I will do it on my own.” At the same time, receiving love is terrifying, because love can suddenly be withheld, as the child has learned from history. This often leads to doubts such as, “Am I good enough? If I had been better, nicer, more beautiful, smarter, etc., I might not have been given away.” Such thoughts make people feel insecure. These are, of course, irrational fears. Good professional help or family constellation work can help heal them.
COULD YOU SHARE SOME EXAMPLES OF DIFFICULT SITUATIONS THAT ADOPTED CHILDREN MIGHT FACE?
In my practice, I spoke to an adopted woman who always let happiness slip through her fingers whenever she could reap the benefits of success. It turned out that she had been put up for adoption because her parents and two sisters had been killed in a natural disaster on the other side of the world. She had survived and ended up in a loving adoptive family and had a good head on her shoulders. But her career was not going well. It turned out that she had an “unconscious identification” with the people who had died in the natural disaster. When you have an unconscious identification, you live according to the dynamic “I won’t fare better than you.”
Whenever success was within her reach, this woman sabotaged herself. As a result, she was unable to reap the benefits. And that allowed her to remain loyal to the victims of the natural disaster. This great love between the victims of the disaster and her could be made visible in a constellation. The pattern could be broken, and she realized that she would honor the victims of the disaster the most if she made something of her life; otherwise, another victim would simply be added to the list.
IS IT POSSIBLE—EVEN IF THEY DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE YOU—TO STILL PLACE YOUR BIOLOGICAL PARENTS ABOVE YOU IN THE FOUNTAIN?
It does not matter whether your biological parents can see you (either literally or figuratively). What matters is that you see them and can accept the package deal. Realize that your biological parents also have parents, and that they, too, have parents, and so on: your entire range of ancestors. In many cases, the biological parents’ parents were not standing in their rightful place in the fountain, which often leads to deficits that span generations. In that case, the only available option that the biological parents can see is to give up the child. Sometimes, this is perception is borne of their own survival mechanism, but it is equally possible that they believe giving their child up will ensure a better future for that child. You never really know. So be mild in your judgment. Leave with them what is theirs and look at what is yours.